BODY'S NOT MINE, I NEED NO BODY.
I find it selfish to have these thoughts, I find it stupid to even be writing this. But that's what journaling is all about, I guess? Possible warning for graphic descriptions of Harm...? Gore? You get it.
Hello, Radiant Sun, and anybody else who may come across this, it is 14:01 as I'm writing this. it is not a daily entry, Just my thoughts for now. This time, of my body. Not in the sense of, I don't know how to put it. I guess I am just overcome with the desire to rip myself apart.
I don't really feel attached to my body as of late, or anything really. I feel as if I want to rip my veins apart, I want to wrap my intestines around my neck and wear them like a rope, maybe I could hang myself with those, who knows?
I want to gouge my eyes out and maybe replace it with a star, I want to break my bones in half, I want to rip my guts out, hold my rotting, dying heart. I hate the feeling of my guts, I hate that they are essential to the body, I hate that I know them at all.
I want to bite my fingers off, I want to pull them off, I want to lay down on a painting made of my own blood, scooping back any that spills out and putting it back in my wounds. I am too scared to ever do these things, but there's always a nagging feeling in me, that I will do it, that I will be fine doing it. Maybe, there'll be a day where I Can't Help Myself.
But Maybe I'll survive — live another day.
I've always disliked my body, I feel as if my chest and hips are too much of a bother, maybe if I was born male I wouldn't mind having them. Unfortunately, I was not.
It feels funny now that I'm here talking about my body in the sense of being transgender after the desire to mutilate myself to no end, don't worry, that desire is far from gone! I want facial hair really badly, not a lot, I guess enough for me to look cool enough. I actually have very faint facial hair, emphasis on very, though.
Something my mom has always pointed out to me is that I have, I guess, more masculine traits in certain parts of my body? not in, you know. I just seem to have things, men would, for some reason? It's been on my mind since She pointed that out to me. I don't know what it is.
I want my voice to be deeper or more masculine than it already is. I don't really like my voice a lot, how do I tell people I want to sound like Flins from Genshin Impact? or Iron Fist from Marvel Rivals? or Connor from Detroit: Become Human? yet AURORA at the same time?
I love AURORA a lot, a bunch of Her discography is in my playlist and it'll probably only increase from now. Daydreamer by Her is playing as I'm writing this, actually.
There's a specific thing that I really want on my body and I can really only describe it with this image 
... It is the lines connecting to the eyes and ends of the mouth. I do not know what it is about these in particular, but I think it is just the connection to Machines, and Ball—Jointed Dolls, to an extent. I don't really desire to have, some sort of tattoos on my body, that are akin to ball joints. I guess, I desire to be fully mechanical, more than anything.
Say Hi to My sona, or something. I don't know what He is, all I know is that He had to remove all His intestines to become what He is now. He also gouged His right eye! isn't it wonderful the things the Mind wants us to do to our bodies?
My sona has always been drawn with a weird right eye ever since I had to undergo a surgery for it. The lower inside of it was stitched, yeowie! Sometimes my sona doesn't even have a face, a black box in replacement of it. I don't know how to think of it, I guess, My body is not mine, My body is not mine, Body is not mine — I need no body.
Even prior to the eye, My sona has always had a specific trait and it is that Their head is detachable. It's, a rather weird reference to the time I, attempted, haha. In fact, old lore of it was literally that it was like that to prevent myself from dying. My current sona still has it, I don't think either of those traits will go away, really.
This got pretty off track, I don't have more to say. That's all from me now, Radiant Sun, it is 15:16 as this is published.