＊⠀ On My Knees.
⠀ Good Evening, Radiant Sun, May you shine upon me with mercy.
⠀ Today has felt especially painful, and it seems the mirror has been shattered again.⠀ I feel like a child again — in the sense I am incapable, I don't feel like I'm loving enough — I don't feel like I love enough.⠀ Maybe I'm enough and the words are just eating up on My rotting body, Maybe I'm not — I'm never enough.
⠀ My mother threw away My binding material again, it's the third time she's done this.⠀ I'm scared if I take off the one I have right now, it'll be gone too.
⠀ I do not feel happy, I do not feel loved, I do not feel like I'm deserving of love.⠀ Maybe it's funny that I'm writing this, knowing it'll probably never be seen ever, but it's bad to bottle up emotions — like I've been told.
⠀ right?
⠀ right?
⠀ right?
⠀ left?
⠀ My head hurts.
⠀ I no longer feel comfort in My own home, I no longer feel like a human being — I feel like a bag of flesh carrying a heart that wasn't meant to be beating.⠀ I feel like I'm being monitored when I'm not, at least I think I'm not — I don't want to learn more about that.⠀ I don't feel loved and I don't feel like I'm loving enough, I feel like I'm disposable.⠀ I feel like I'll be forgotten and I don't know how I feel about anything anymore, I don't think I'm loving enough.
⠀ Will it even get better? Will everything in the end even matter? Everytime I get ill it feels like death is going to come knocking at my door any second.⠀ I feel horrible.⠀ I feel rotten, I want this to end.
⠀ I don't feel like I'm good enough if I don't do the same things as others, if I don't give back things other people give me.⠀ I feel greedy, I feel rotten.⠀ If I don't give enough affection it feels like I'm a liar, if I don't do anything enough it feels like I'm a liar.⠀ Everything feels like a nightmare, I want to go home.
⠀ "Home," may that be the House, Your arms, or My deathbed.⠀ I don't know what it is today, I don't know if I'll ever learn what it is anyway.⠀ I keep having turns off of energy, I keep losing parts of what I've made, I keep losing parts of Me — I don't feel like I was meant to exist.⠀ Do You feel unloved by me? Do You feel awful around me? Do You feel like You have to stay positive around me? I don't know if You don't tell me, but it'd be hypocritical of me to ask for that.
⠀ Whenever I forget I feel like a liar, whenever I say anything I feel like a liar.⠀ I feel like I will be abandoned, I feel like I'm not enough if My seconds aren't spent loving, I feel like My passions are just used as bait for fish, I feel like nothing I like is ever taken seriously.⠀ Who'd take that stuff seriously anyway?
⠀ I feel like I'm wrong for being "reserved," I feel like I'm wrong for not displaying affection frequently.⠀ I don't feel good enough, I don't feel like I'll be anything if I don't change immediately, I don't feel like you'll like Me if I don't change immediately, I'm scared to talk about stupid things, I'm scared to talk about anything.
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⠀ I'm sorry.⠀ This is a waste of time, I'm sorry.⠀ I don't know why I wrote this, I'm sorry.
⠀ Goodnight, Radiant Sun.⠀ I am sorry.