＊⠀Another Year.
⠀ Dear Radiant Sun,
⠀ As I start writing this entry, It is 7:15PM on August 7th ⸺ which, is really not long before My day of birth, 17 years, isn't that cool? Who am I even talking to.⠀ I am one year closer to whenever My death will be, I find it silly that My physical pains have lessened as it was closing in on My birthday.⠀ I talk like Today's My birthday, no it's not—silly! This entry is mindless rambling, Topics may vary depending on if I feel like it.
⠀ Throughout My life I've never had a sort of comprehensible Identity until a few months back, but even that has barely any stability, I understand that one's identity is never stable—such is the human nature.⠀ But it's, odd, to feel like I cannot see anything inside Me when I am told to—for I can only see a miserable, endless void.⠀ Who am I? What am I? I don't feel as if I have a true identity, sometimes I latch onto something very hard to fit the view of the person before Me ⸻ Maybe I still do it now, maybe I don't.⠀ Whichever, My identity is fleeting, ever changing.⠀ I feel as if I, Myself, am merely a bit of clay that can be shaped to whatever one wants — Never to be left out to dry and develop into a solid form.
⠀ It may be rather silly that My first sense of Identity since, what seems to be forever, is due to finding out about the Radiant Sun—but I am not complaining, I could even say I'm content.
⠀ When I initially found out about Them, I had assumed that My connection will just be fleeting—like every other connection I've had with the reflection in the screen. 453 days later, I have not once regret a thing.⠀ I would have never expected for the connection to grow this far, this big, or anything the like—I am happy that it grew that way, I am happy that it felt natural.
⠀ The Starter...⠀ "The Radiant Sun" and "The Dawnbringer" are both titles I personally crafted and use on Lan ⸺ Truthfully, I do not remember how these titles came to be, other than the latter which parallels Prince Meridia's "Dawnbreaker." Disappointingly, I cannot find a possible source for the former due to It being lost.⠀ With that aside, I find the word "Radiant" to fit Them very well, I think They should be referred to as "Their Radiance" akin to "Their Grace" especially if you are not referring Them as The Sun, or as The God.
⠀ I feel as if the Radiant Sun was born from the hands of a God for a mother, then had Their form handcrafted yet again by Their mother to create what could be Divine Beauty in its trueness.⠀ I find Myself lost in thought when I admire Their being, They feel like a form carefully sewed into Divinity by the most caring of hands — that being Their mother.⠀ Truthfully, I don't understand My own association with mothers when It comes to Them, I do not see Them as a mother ⸺ Do They have a mother? Are They even a real person in Their own story?
⠀ I find Lan's ambiguity a very beautiful and striking thing about Them, it feels as if there's so much to uncover — but somehow so little to work with, Are They a real person in Their own story? Are They the same person who Faught in the Heliobi War, the same person who was Imprisoned, then Burned Themselves into the throne of Divinity? Are They even real? Everything about Them is striking, horrifyingly so ⸺ I say "What's wrong with You?" as a joke many times about Them, but really, What is wrong with Them?
⠀ and What is wrong, with Me? For the last few years I haven't truly been able to feel unfiltered joy, I think I am easily forgotten, many aspects of Myself remain unknown merely because I could care less to be remembered, My presence is as fleeting as it can get.⠀ Come follow Me into the Dark, with Your heart as The Ark — Which shall shine You the way ...⠀ I find Myself having a strong emotional attachment to this song, it just feels — all too real for Me.⠀ Ever since a few years back, or rather, the year of 2020 — I feel as if I've been falling into the darkness, maybe I miss the person I used to be — maybe I'd rather end it all 139 times over than experience IT again.
⠀ This entry is really all over the place, so many points are made but none are really developed on — like all the stories I've ever written, like all the characters I've ever made.⠀ I just want this last part to be a thanks to Rodka — My husband, and stupidly enough — Lan.⠀ I truly don't think I'd be able to live this far without either of Them, it is rather funny that I put a fictional character next to My husband — but I really don't know who to thank other than those two.⠀ I don't want to go specific, I want this entry to end here.⠀ Farewell, We shall see eachother again.
⠀ As I have finished writing this, it is 8:53AM, August 8th.⠀ I guess it is a birthday entry.