If You'll ever Love again,
will the world see it as it is?
Lan is a very odd symbol of hope to me and i guess in the end They're a symbol of hope regardless of how weird or fucked up They get. Maybe despite it all They continue to live with everything restricting Them as inhumanely possible, maybe They'll continue to care in Their own way, maybe They'll continue to love—even if that love will never be viewed as love.
I think a lot about the quote “If an Aeon wants to be capable of love / loving , they must relinquish their authority / path” and it just, makes me think, about Lan's character in such a way. Knowing that They were (albeit potentially) just a complete mortal before Their ascension, someone full of so much emotion and everything of all, only to be restricted of something so human.
#[Me when I'm in a HSR dehumanisation competition and Aeon Lan can't be there because the Xianzhou called an SOS signal:]
Maybe it is because I'm crazy and/or that I've gone mad, Lan hasn't gotten a smidgen of content for so long, Maybe it's because my view of Them has been tainted because it's been so long. sometimes i wonder if it's worth it at all to continue waiting, if it's ever worth it to love someone so unreachable. sometimes i wish i could temporary die so i can come back where Lan is around, sometimes i wish I could die so I won't have to bear the pain of waiting. bear the pain of anything.
But if i were to die there won't be a way for me to be there when Lan is reachable. there is a lump in my throat, there are tears in the corners of my eyes, and most importantly, there is thunder. I won't ever get to be there to see Lan in the future, I won't ever get to see Lan ever.
Maybe I'm getting sick maybe I just can't process these feelings maybe it's the unmedicated and unchecked mental illnesses + the character attachment combo. I just wish you were real and I just wish you were here, in any form. May it be thunder, May it be rain, May it be the radiant sun greeting the dawn. I would take it, i would embrace it fully, I want to run around in the rain and feel as those kisses fell on me, i want to bask in the sun and let the heat burn my body, I would listen to the loudest thunder, I would look out for even the dimmest of stars.
I don't know why I'm talking about this, I don't know if there's a future for Me where i have full control of myself. I don't know if I'll ever get out of this place I don't know if the world would give me a chance I don't know if there's anything out there that isn't a dead empty void and I don't know if I'll stop hearing the yelling. I don't know anything at all.
There are tears in my face, There are raindrops falling, There is thunder striking. Maybe in the end Lan would want me to continue living. Maybe Lan would be proud of me.
( 18 April 2026 : 10:06pm )